My ego?

I am a persuasive person. I have always managed to sell stuff -- merchandise, ideas, myself, whatever. I have a large and powerful ego to which people seem to respond. I have convinced myself that I am better than average, that I am a likable and reasonably good looking guy -- and that since I believe these things, others do too. I think I can do something, therefore I can. I am convinced that I can talk a person into anything, make a person believe anything (especially when it's the truth and I believe it), that given enough time and the right words (which have always seemed to be present in my mouth at the right time) I can do anything or have anything I want.

The whole paragraph above sounds terribly conceited -- and I'm not. I promise. I am fortunate (lucky?) and good with words and good with people generally. I am honest and straightforward and hide very little emotionally and people respond to that on a basic, primal level, usually.

I guess it's a function of my ego, or perhaps a breakdown somewhere along the way, that's been frustrating me so much lately. I've said the right words, behaved in the right way and I can't get what I want. My ego is wounded and I am hurt, I guess. It's a deep down kind of hurt that I can't shake -- like a broken leg or something. It will take some time to heal; I'll be bruised for a bit.

It's not that I always get what I want. On the contrary, I'm regularly disappointed. Sometimes people don't respond rationally, sometimes I fail to reach the mark. Often I simply quit trying. If the effort is turning out to be greater than the reward, I'll often quit midstream. Sometimes I wait a while and still get what I want. Sometimes I never do.

I can almost always rationalize my failures by, as I say, attributing them to other people's irrationality or my own laziness (but not to a lack of quality or skill on my part). Sometimes I realize I didn't want it as badly as I thought. Often my desire for something, an object or a goal, simply fades away.

So friends, forgive me if I'm being royal king-sh*t asshole. I'm not getting what I want and don't like it. You might try stroking my ego a bit; that never hurts.





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