Wisdom teeth

I have no idea what function they serve except to create pain and confusion in patients and wealth for "Oral Surgeons".

I'll confess that I felt nothing for nearly two days -- I suppose that's long enough for me to forget exactly what the people who did this to me look like. At this point, I can't exactly see how this is "better for me". Perhaps one day I will... one day when I can eat again the solid foods I love so much like... bread... and steak...

The last thing I remember is the doctor saying, "This may pinch a little," as he slipped the IV into my arm. It didn't pinch. At all.

I woke up with a chin that felt the size of something in a Jay Leno caricature. I'm serious: In my first moments of wakefulness I was embarrassed at its size and scared of dragging it or catching it on something. I couldn't speak, my lips were made of silly putty, but  I was surrounded by the most beautiful angels dressed in nurse's scrubs. I communicated, as best I could, my appreciation for whatever it was they'd done for me (I'm ever grateful and thankful -- I learned along time ago when dealing with women always to say "Thank You" and "I'm Sorry"). I think I may have gotten a few phone numbers as well, but it seems I wrote the numbers in some strange language that existed only for that few moments, a language based on angular criss-crossing lines and squiggles indecipherable now even to me, its writer (I recognize my penmanship, even in this strange language).

And so I existed in a senseless daze for the next several days -- slowly rising from the depths of euphoric ignorance, a world with no feeling, to a half-wakeful hell where my jaws ached, but not anywhere I could pinpoint.

I am convinced there is a vast conspiracy. In a few days or weeks, I will receive a cheerfully worded letter, "Welcome to the Largest Medical Hoax in History!" A hoax where, by vague references to minor discomfort and funny stories about how silly we act when we've just woken from anesthesia with numb face (all the "milk shake stories" you've heard) we encourage other unwary, uninitiated individuals to have their jaws cranked open and their wisdom teeth forcibly extracted from their happy little homes. I'll learn fun phrases like, "Well, there was some discomfort, but everyone experiences pain differently," and "You'll be fine after a few days -- ice-cream and mashed potatoes are good!"

Yeah, that's fun, but here's the bottom line, and listen to me carefully: Don't have your wisdom teeth surgically removed unless there's a valid medical or dental reason to do so. If you're in pain (headaches, toothaches, etc) or there's some danger of your jaw being misplaced, go ahead, but consider this surgery carefully.

I'm eating at McAlister's right now... I missed food.

 

Here's a picture a brave soul captured of the tooth-monster on Friday night... It's been sharpened for your benefit.

 

 

 

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