Loving your neighbor

Justin asked a question on his Facebook a couple days ago, "What one thing have you learned today?"

I answered that question: "The way we treat the people we like the least is the best measure of our character."

If you're a Christian, you've probably heard Jesus' take on this issue: "Love your neighbor as yourself," and "Whatever you do unto the least of these you do also unto Me."

That second suggestion is really only relevant if you're a Christian and believe in putting Jesus/God first, of course. There's also the Golden Rule, "Do unto other as you would have them do unto you."

I dunno. I've been reminded lately, both at work and in my personal life, that we need to treat everyone with the love and respect that we hope to receive. Just because we *can* treat someone like crap doesn't mean we should -- even if there are no consequences (but you know, there are consequences and repercussions to every action). Just because we are set above someone or hold some power over them doesn't mean we should use it, it doesn't mean we should take the opportunity to demean or degrade them.

One of the most innocent and truly good and simple people I know in this world (other than Samuel) has been seriously abused this last few weeks by someone in authority over them. It's not fair, it's not right, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. It breaks my heart, it makes me want to weep, but I'm powerless here (I think). I keep thinking time will make this just "go away", but this abuse, this demeaning condescending attitude that's directed toward this simple and good person keeps rearing its ugly head. I want to fix everything, but I can't -- I know, I know.

How sweet... wait.. easy girls?

I found this image on the web this evening and thought it was terribly sweet. What a wonderful visual poem addressing how the "best" and "good" girls are harder to reach. It explains why "good" girls may be waiting... And then... I read it again...

Does this mean that those girls I've pursued who've chosen assholes and dipsh*ts (instead of me, the perfect man) have been "easy" and "rotten"? I don't know whether to be relieved or disturbed. What does this say about me?

Technorati Tags:women, bad apples, good, relationships

Nice guys finish last... a rant

I was listening earlier today to Green Day's song "Nice Guys Finish Last". It's not really about the "nice guy" as I think about it, but it did get me thinking.

I am the classic "nice guy". Fu-Zu Jen wrote an interesting "tribute" to nice guys for the Wharton Undergraduate Journal that accurately characterizes nice guys. You should read it. It's not terribly long. It's some stuff I've not thought about.

She says, in part:

The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.
...
This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.

I've quoted far too much of her writing, but it's dead-on. Nice guys get screwed -- and not in the good way. Nice guys end up with women who use and abuse them, who leave them standing on the side of the road wondering what the hell ever happened.

The problem with nice guys, according to the heartless bitches at Heartless Bitches International is, "... that Nice Guys don't like themselves." I don't think that's true, at least for all the nice guys I know. I like myself just fine; I'm caring, passionate, confident (most of the time), successful.

I'm sick and tired of being the perfect man, of being the person that women compare their exes too when they're explaining why it doesn't work out ("Yeah, Nathan, he's not like you... You never treat me like that... Bubba and I didn't communicate like you and I do, Nathan.") I'm sick and tired of it, but I don't know what to do about it.

I make the mistake of trying to be friends. Excuse the f'ing sh*t out of me, but doesn't it make sense to see if you can tolerate or stand a person before you try to jump into some relationship with them? Except it rarely works that way: When a woman finds out who you are (this wonderful person), they end up wanting to STAY friends. I understand that I am not attracted to every woman I befriend; I understand that every woman isn't attracted to me, but DAMN, it seems like once you become a FRIEND, the freaking door is slammed shut and the key is melted down. Why does it have to be that way? Why don't nice guys ever get a chance?

Women SAY they want a nice guy, but NICE GUYS are like Amos Hart from the musical Chicago:

Cellophane
Mister Cellophane
Shoulda been my name
Mister Cellophane
'Cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there...

Yeah, Nice Guys are like Amos -- Mr. Cellophane -- you look right through us, walk right past us all the while saying you're looking for someone just like us... But that's not what women want -- at least not until they've grown and learned... and still maybe never.

There's little to be done about, it seems. The world needs nice guys and we're a happy lot, for the most part. Nice guys make the world go 'round. You need us to cry on, to call on, to support you when you're not sure of yourself. We'll just keep being nice and taking the small slights and bearing the little pains silently.

Now, before I get a torrent of flaming hate-mail scented with womens perfume, I know that I have been the "nice guy" to some of you reading this. Yeah, I know you read my blog -- you've told me. You've even told me how sweet it is sometimes, the stuff I write about you and other women. I'm not gonna stop being your nice guy; it's who I am and you know I can't change. I just thought I needed to get this off my chest... I don't mean to offend, but LISTEN, for whatever good it will do.

Technorati Tags:nice guys, relationships, romance, rant

Saying "I Love You"

"Death is a challenge. It tells us not to waste time... It tells us to tell each other right now that we love each other."
-Leo F. Buscaglia

I love. I love earnestly, deeply, tenderly, and without any expectations of reward. I love easily. The way that I love has caused me some heartache and heartbreak over the years, but on the whole, I think I'm happier.

Those of you who know me, my friends, know that I often (more often than not) end a conversation saying, "I love you." For some of you this has been off-putting at times. I have a certain "macho" friend who literally freaked the first time I told him that I loved him. I backed off a bit and didn't try it again for a while. Several months later he said to me, "Nathan, do you love me?" "Of course," I told him. "I love you too," he said. He almost always tells me that he loves me now -- he'll beat me to the punch on the phone.

I love. And I want you to know that I love you. To live in this world, today, in a time that is uncertain in so many ways (and I'm not even talking about eschatologically uncertain times), it is important to let people know that we love them. Yes, I love all people generally -- that's why it's so easy for me to rationalize bad behavior in others, to let personal slights and insults go, to accept people as they are, but I also love people specifically. Like family.

I have friends that I call "brother" or "sister". If I could pick my family, these people would be it. You know the kind of relationship I'm talking about. These are the people I wouldn't want or choose to live without; these are the people who keep me sane and keep me grounded. It's a short list, but I think I have more of these kinds of relationships than most. I talk to some people about their closest friends and I have discovered that many people don't have the kind of relationships I describe with ANYONE. I pity them. Who can read their minds and their souls? Who can hear their voice and immediately detect joy or heartache even when they're trying to hide it?

We need close friendships. We need love in our lives -- and not the EROS, bum-chica-wow-wow kind. Sure, there's a place for that -- a big place -- but that kind of love does not sustain us, that kind of love doesn't last (it comes in waves, even in committed relationships). For many people, married or committed people, their closest friend is their spouse or partner. That's not inappropriate -- in fact, it makes live a joy. To love, on multiple levels, the person you're spending your life with is a gift.

If a man should importune me to give a reason why I loved him, I find it could no otherwise be expressed, than by making answer: because it was he, because it was I.
- Michel de Montaigne

I try to love, we should try to love, without any expectations. That's a hard thing to grasp for some people. So many relationships (what some people might call "friendships" but I'll prefer to call "acquaintance") are based on mutual benefit. You give, I give, we both get something. That's fine, but it puts an invisible burden on a relationship. We should love purely, without expectation of reward or benefit. This is hard, yes, but in the end, if you're disappointed in a friend, you can say to yourself, "I love this person; I shouldn't expect anything of them but love in return."

More generally, we should love EVERYONE without expectation. The man on the street, the asshole who cuts you off in traffic, the dipsh*t that won't shut up in the elevator (and he's there every day)... When we decide to love people, all people, we let anger slough off of our souls like a second skin and I promise that we're happier. Some of you have heard me say, "I'm not angry, I'm disappointed." That sounds like something a parent would say, but it's the truth in my case (most of the time). I am more often disappointed than I am angry -- and disappointment is not a sin in any religion that I can find. Anger is an emotion; disappointment is a learning experience.

I love tenderly. I'm a soft-hearted kind of guy. When those I love hurt, I hurt. When they are disappointed in life, I find myself disappointed. Sympathy? Empathy? I dunno, but, that's what love SHOULD be. When we love, our hearts resonate with the songs in the hearts of others. I'm supposedly easy to read. A friend told me recently (on several occasions) that she can "read my face like a book". I don't know about that -- she didn't do so well if you ask me -- but it's true that those who know me well (perhaps those who love me?) *can* hear in my voice, see in my face, observe in my behavior my TRUE mood (and not the one I'm projecting to the general public). Tender love is gentle and caring, not pushy and abrasive. Tender love caresses our hurts and cheers our joys.

I love easily and readily. More than two years ago, I was reintroduced to a young woman who I'd met several months before. She went with me and some friends to eat and then to hang out. When we dropped her off at her apartment, I got out to walk her to the walk (I didn't go to the door). She thanked me for the invitation and I hugged her -- I stepped back, looked into her eyes, kissed her forehead and said, "I love you." She looked at me strangely, with a slight grin on her face, and blushed. I meant it -- right then. I'd spent several hours with her, only several hours, and I realized in that time that *this* was one of the most important people I'd ever meet in my life. This was not a false revelation. She has become a true friend, one of the people I'm closest to in the world.

We should be ready to love. We should be open to love. If I had sent out applications for "best friends", I doubt I would have picked the young woman above. If I had not been ready to love, easily and readily, I might not have recognized her value and worth. As it was, I was ready, our hearts were open, and most amazingly, they resonate now, almost two years later on the same frequency, they sing different parts of the same song.

So... I say, "I love you." I mean it. I say it often, but it doesn't mean less -- it means more. I am not afraid to love; I am not afraid to admit I love. I fear a future without love; I fear a future without my friends.

Receive love with an open heart. Tell people you love them. Love without expectation, deeply, tenderly, earnestly, purely, simply.

Technorati Tags:love, friendship, relationships, sappy

Saying "I'm Sorry"

Never ruin an apology with an excuse. ~Kimberly Johnson

The other week I had a long conversation with a friend of mine who had made a mistake. I don't recall the mistake, but she was heartbroken. She had hurt a friend and didn't know how to fix it. She explained to me the circumstances and kept providing reasons for her actions. I remember stopping her and saying, "Dear, there should be no 'BUT' after 'I'm Sorry'." I could tell she was already rehearsing her apology with me.

Before someone accuses me of twisting facts or thinly veiling my thoughts: I honestly don't remember who she was -- I remember it being a girl. I also don't remember what the mistake was.

I'm really good at apologizing. I've had to be; I make so many mistakes that I get plenty of practice. Often, when someone walks up to me, I begin apologizing immediately. It's safer that way. I'm almost always sure I've done something wrong.

I've learned that the shortest apology is the best: "I'm sorry." Especially with women. Trying to explain one's actions is a sure fire way to make a woman madder.

It's okay to define what you're apologizing for, but be careful. If you say, "I'm sorry for backing over your flowers with my bulldozer," and the person isn't mad about that, but rather, is mad because their pet hamster was in the flowers at the time, you may come off as insensitive. If someone is angry and you're hoping an apology will make it better, be sure why they're angry before you start.

I'll state the obvious: Don't apologize unless you're sincere. Nothing is worse than an insincere apology. If you regret your actions, admit it. If you're not sincere, don't bother opening your mouth, please. Notice, I didn't write, "If you regret the consequences of your actions," above. Apologizing to get what YOU want or to make YOU feel better is a lame-ass reason to apologize. You should apologize simply because you were wrong or because you hurt someone.

Back to the "but" of this story: Seriously, we often take the meat out of an apology by saying "but" after "I'm sorry". Trying to place the blame elsewhere invalidates an apology. To apologize means to admit that YOU have made a mistake -- it's no one's fault but your own. Allow the person you're apologizing to provide an excuse; often times they will when they figure out you're not trying to weasel out of it with a "but" statement. If they don't provide an excuse, don't fret. You've done your part -- you've admitted your mistake and taken responsibility for it. The proper response to an offered apology is to accept it. The proper response to an apology is to forgive.

Technorati Tags:I'm sorry, apology, relationships

She doesn't deserve you

I was in the midst of a conversation tonight where one friend said to another, among other things, "She doesn't deserve you." It was a funny conversation, filled with expletives not appropriate for this venue, but it got me to thinking about that statement.

"She doesn't deserve you"

So, is that a good things -- as in, "You're too good for her, she doesn't deserve you"? That's a positive and uplifting statement meant to make the man or woman feel good himself or herself.

Or, is it a bad thing, as in, "You're crazy nuts, she doesn't deserve [someone like] you"? That's funny -- honesty from one friend to another.

That makes me think of the quote form Oliver Wendell Holmes from his work The Autocrat of the Breakfast Table:

Don't flatter yourself that friendship authorizes you to say disagreeable things to your intimates. The nearer you come into relation with a person, the more necessary do tact and courtesy become. Except in cases of necessity, which are rare, leave your friend to learn unpleasant things from his enemies; they are ready enough to tell them.

Of course, later in the conversation, I heard, "You deserve better." Which clarified the conversation a bit. I laughed inside; I thought it best to keep my thoughts to myself.

Technorati Tags:relationships, romance, Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr., truth

"Wagon Wheel" and Destin Nights

My day has become pretty standard: I sleep until around 11, hit the beach at about noon, return to the condo at about 3, eat supper around 5:30 and I'm at the Village (clubs) by 9:15 or so.

My favorite hangout has been Mango's Paradise Grille, a neat little outdoor cantina at "the Village". They've got live music each night and the brew selection is outstanding. I've managed to make it through all the drafts and I'm working my way through the bottles now. I'm hoping to have sampled their entire menu by the time I leave. The wait staff their is friendly, the owner is great, and the crowd is as diverse as I could imagine.

My bartenders since Sunday have either been Haley or Charles (click the pic to the left for a larger one). Haley is from Auburn, Alabama, Charles is from everywhere, apparently. They're engaged to be married, have a neat little condo not far from here, and work two or three jobs each. Haley and Charles love the Destin life. I dunno if I could put up with a bunch of tourist drunks 7 days a week, but they seem to be just fine. It's probably a personality thing that I just don't have; after about 7 hours, I had little patience for drunk buttholes when I was on Beale Street.

The owner of the place is a guy named Keith and his wife, Shelly. I met them last year when the place first opened. Keith owns some sort of steel fabricating place in Atlanta, but he and Shelly's dream was to open a restaurant and bar on the beach -- last year they made it a reality. I think Keith's main motivation, in addition to making his wife happy, was to find a place they'd let him sing anytime he wanted. I found out this week that the guy is an amazing vocalist.

Along the way I've met some other interesting folks. You're not surprised, if you know me, I'm sure:

Dwayne: The 29 year old Australian Spa Consultant. Dwayne travels the world consulting at 5 star spas and resorts. He and I got into some pretty great trouble the other night after we left Mango's. Remind me to tell you about it. Not quite the highlight of my trip, but it was certainly a great boost for the evening.

Justin: 30 something Navy guy -- he's taking a bomb disposal class at Pensacola Naval Air Station. He's been all over the middle east and has got some serious stories to tell. He was most interested in talking to me, however, about the "Purple Church" in Memphis. He was really bummed out to hear that it had closed. We swapped some stories.

Tina and Shelia: Mother and daughter. As Shelia said, "Mom bought a pair and so did I!" Tina likes to dance. Shelia likes to dance. We got along well. Shelia's tube-top made things interesting -- and she had one of those pony-tails that sticks out the back of her cap which I think are so cute. I wish I had a picture (oh how I wish I had a picture!). Tina kept grabbing my butt. That was strange and slightly unnerving.

Jerry: 70 something year old real-estate investment guy -- he was with Tina, but seemed more interested in Shelia. Me too. He's got property all up and down the gulf-coast. I bet I know what Tina sees in him.

Paula: The 25 year old "Turtle Girl" from FSU. She was coming up the beach on Tuesday with probes and shovels and all sort of stuff. I didn't know if she was trying to set up a beach volley-ball course or set up a landing field for aliens. I discovered, on asking, that she was doing sea-turtle research for the Master's Degree. Fascinating, really. We spent several minutes talking about sea-turtles... Amazingly, she showed up again yesterday, but now she was taking in the beach as a tourist. I didn't know it was her until she came over to talk again. We met up at Mango's and then went dancing like rhythm-less white people. She had too much "mango tea". 'Nuff said.

This list doesn't include Chad B, "the executive" from Anniston, AL, who's here apparently to debauch under-age women. He works at GameStop as a manager of some sort He says he's NOT a redneck, but I find that hard to believe. Nor does the above list include Tamara, who is here a few days early for a Porn Star Convention. She doesn't look like an actress, but some of her friends do. Maybe she's the producer or something.

Tim, the guitar player, and his wife have performed at two of the places I've been hanging out (Mango's and Fat Tuesday). They played "Wagon Wheel" by Old Crow last night. I thought I was gonna die -- I danced with a lovely young lady from NC 'cause I noticed she was singing too.. :) Both the girl from NC and Tim the musician were incredibly jealous that I saw Old Crow a few weeks back.

There are more strange folks to document.. perhaps I'll get around to it.

I'm headed back to the beach in a few -- gonna try to even out my burn/tan. Call me! I'd love to hear from you, I'm sure!

Update: I've written More on Wagon Wheel

Technorati Tags:Destin, FL, Florida, Destin, Mango's Paradise Grille, Women, Relationships, Vacation, Bars, Sandestin, Old Crow Medicine Show

Love in the 21st century

Love spelt on keyboard
Originally uploaded by Kevin White Images.

The other day a friend was telling me that her boyfriend was on a mission trip abroad. She asked me, "Do you think he'll be able to text me from there?" She asked me this over an instant messenger (Yahoo, I think, but I use Pidgin/GaIM to aggregate all my IM services) -- I almost always communicate with this friend via email or instant message.

I told her I was unsure -- she'd just have to wait and see. This got me to thinking about my relationships over the last five years and how much of those relationships was conducted "online" or via text message or even telephone, and not in person or through regular mail. I realized that LOTS of my "romantic communication" was conducted via new-fangled technological means. I've flirted on MySpace, wooed over instant messenger, and teased via text message. I've sent online greeting cards and written poetry on web-pages.

In the old days people courted in person. Your beau might show up at the house on a Sunday afternoon (because he worked the rest of the week) and sit with you and your family in your parlor or kitchen. If you were lucky, Ma and Pa might allow you some time alone with him. As the years moved on, young people went to movies and dances. I'm sure the telephone was a boon to lovestruck boys as they whispered fervently across the line to a swooning sweetie. I know I've spent hours on the phone with women and realized that we talked about absolutely nothing -- and I can still smile about it.

There was a time, before instant messages and cell-phone texts, when people sent love letters and notes. Sometimes it took days or even weeks to receive a perfumed letter, all the while the sender wondering how it might be received. Now, we can know within minutes or even seconds how our flirtings or expressions of affection are received; we can adapt and respond just as quickly.

We're probably much more cautious, in a way, these days. As a male, I know I constantly try to adapt to the mood of a woman, whether in person or online. Women are cagey creatures whose thoughts are veiled to men. Where once I might write a flowing missive pouring out adoration, I now write short quips, trying to gauge if she's receptive to my advances. Were you to write me a passionate message, pouring your soul into an emotional email, who knows how long it would take me to click "Forward" and send it on to my buddies -- especially if I weren't receptive to your advances. (Know, ladies, that I would never do that, of course, but some would and have -- I've gotten such forwards and so have you.)

I read a blog the other day of a guy living in Memphis who met a girl in January and was engaged at the end of April. That's FAST to me. I know social mores and expectations have changed and there's nothing wrong with that, but, reading in his blog how he texted and emailed and waited on the "beep-beep-beep" indicating a new message, I wonder how fast his courtship was accelerated due to technology. Would she be wearing a diamond engagement ring if he had plied his troth so quickly sixty years ago?

Have we lost something due to the immediacy of communication? I don't know. I know that I have written long and passionate letters and actually mailed them and they're almost always well-received. Has "courtship" been hastened through the use of instant messages and email? I don't know, but I've certainly been turned down before I ever had the chance to open my mouth in person.

Technorati Tags:love, relationships, new technology, email

Feeling blue

I'm feeling a bit blue. I want nothing more than to do a certain thing, but I know I musn't. It wouldn't matter anyway. What I imagine the truth to be and the real, honest truth are two different things. I am weak. I am weak even to be writing this, but I feel like writing, so I am.



In my head I am making plans; plans that won't work out the way I imagine. I know, even thinking about them, that they'll never happen as I imagine. Imagination is an amazing thing. Fantasy is a release, but the reality following fantasy is a drag.



Why should I waste my emotional energy? I don't know. I know only that I am. I wish I could snap my fingers and make it go away. Time. Time. Time. That's what it'll take. I don't know if I'm strong enough to wait.





Technorati Tags: relationships, fantasy, blue, dumb

That damned liberal girlfriend

I had an opportunity to speak with state Representative Chris Crider (Republican) at the Governor's Luncheon in Humboldt on Friday. I know Chris pretty well, we talk from time to time about local politics, projects on which the city is working, and just gossip. We're not personally close, but we're friendly. It's always fun to talk to him.

I'd been "working the room" as my aunt says and I found Chris at the head table. I wanted to say hello, but I also had a serious question or two to ask, so I made sure to seek him out. He saw me and smiled as I walked onto the dais. He stuck out his hand, gave me a firm handshake, and grabbed my shoulder. Suddenly he looked sort of frightened -- almost hiding behind me as he glanced around.

I thought perhaps something was happening behind me -- something I might need to worry about or someone I needed to avoid. I looked at Chris, concern in my eyes, and said, "What's wrong? Who are you looking for?"

"That damned liberal girlfriend of yours! Where is she?" he asked.

"She's not here and she's not my girlfriend... besides, she thinks you don't like her, especially after you dodged the two of us at the Chamber of Commerce Banquet," I replied and laughed as I said it.

Chris, looking relieved, laughed, "Yeah, I like her just fine -- I just don't know what to say to her. I can't talk to her."

Imagine! A politician, a friendly kind of guy who always has something to say to everyone rendered speechless by a twenty-three year old math teacher!



Technorati Tags: politics, chris crider, tennessee, relationships

My ego?

I am a persuasive person. I have always managed to sell stuff -- merchandise, ideas, myself, whatever. I have a large and powerful ego to which people seem to respond. I have convinced myself that I am better than average, that I am a likable and reasonably good looking guy -- and that since I believe these things, others do too. I think I can do something, therefore I can. I am convinced that I can talk a person into anything, make a person believe anything (especially when it's the truth and I believe it), that given enough time and the right words (which have always seemed to be present in my mouth at the right time) I can do anything or have anything I want.

The whole paragraph above sounds terribly conceited -- and I'm not. I promise. I am fortunate (lucky?) and good with words and good with people generally. I am honest and straightforward and hide very little emotionally and people respond to that on a basic, primal level, usually.

I guess it's a function of my ego, or perhaps a breakdown somewhere along the way, that's been frustrating me so much lately. I've said the right words, behaved in the right way and I can't get what I want. My ego is wounded and I am hurt, I guess. It's a deep down kind of hurt that I can't shake -- like a broken leg or something. It will take some time to heal; I'll be bruised for a bit.

It's not that I always get what I want. On the contrary, I'm regularly disappointed. Sometimes people don't respond rationally, sometimes I fail to reach the mark. Often I simply quit trying. If the effort is turning out to be greater than the reward, I'll often quit midstream. Sometimes I wait a while and still get what I want. Sometimes I never do.

I can almost always rationalize my failures by, as I say, attributing them to other people's irrationality or my own laziness (but not to a lack of quality or skill on my part). Sometimes I realize I didn't want it as badly as I thought. Often my desire for something, an object or a goal, simply fades away.

So friends, forgive me if I'm being royal king-sh*t asshole. I'm not getting what I want and don't like it. You might try stroking my ego a bit; that never hurts.





Technorati Tags: ego, relationships, personality, desire, wants, success, failure

God and Math: What if the big guy says 2 + 2 doesn't equal 4?

I was looking at my college webpage on the Internet Wayback Machine last night (the server has been off-line for some years now). Some of you may remember that I rambled quite a bit back then. I read some of my old "blog" entries -- my posts were called "Thoughts of the Day" and resembled a blog, though no one had ever heard the term at the time.

Some of my posts were quite funny (and I may share them with you), others were pretty depressing, especially when I remember what motivated them. Anyway... reading these old musings prompted me to ramble a bit in my own mind last night:

What if all evidence contradicts God?
So, I'm facing a situation where, in my mind, all things point to one answer and in my heart, God is telling me something entirely different. It isn't quite so cut and dried as God saying 2 + 2 equals 5, but I am quite confused. I'm questioning God, questioning my interpretation of his purpose, and just generally confused.

Every fiber of my being screams that X is true, all evidence indicates that X is true, independent observers have confirmed that X appears to be true... When I ask God if X is true, I get an ambiguous answer that seems to indicate that it is in fact NOT true (I really don't get an answer at all). I suppose it could be that one part of my brain refuses to accept his answer and is therefore looking past it. It could be that I'm simply to dense to see that God is CONFIRMING my suspicion that X is true. I dunno.

I really wish he'd go ahead and tell me one way or another.

Lord, help me understand your purpose and intentions. I'm blunt -- send me a lightning bolt (figuratively) or something, please....

Tags:

• God
• religion
• logic
• purpose
• reason
• direction
• spiritual
• math

Thoughts on friendship: "Keeping score..."

The Bible says that "the love of money is the root of evil" -- or something similar. We hear that passage misquoted often as "money is the root of evil". Do you ruminate on what your friends owe you? Is it your turn to pay the bar bill or someone else's? Did you loan your buddy $10 and do you expect it back? So many friendships are allowed to sour because we're keeping score.

I moved back to my small hometown several years ago (6 or 7, I can't remember). I do remember that I hadn't been home long when, as I had no plans for the evening, my dad asked me to watch my brother while my dad and mom went out for supper. As he was gathering up his wallet, keys, etc before he walked out the door, my Dad discovered he had no cash. He asked, "Nathan, do you have any cash?" As it was Friday and I had gotten paid that day and had taken some cash when I deposited my check, I had about $150. I told him so and he said, "Let me borrow about $100." Of course I loaned it to him --I thought nothing of it...

Several weeks later I remembered this "loan" and quizzed pop about it... He said to me with a smile on his face, "If you wanna keep score, I can start dragging out American Express bills for the last several years." I was a bit shocked -- and humbled. Who knows how much of my father's money I'd spent using that gold-plated credit-card -- I don't know and Dad certainly doesn't know. I learned a valuable lesson from my father over the years and this was the moment when the lesson became real.

Don't keep score...
If you love your friends and your friends love you -- if they are true friends, you needn't keep up with who owes who what. You spend on them, they spend on you. You do them favors, they do favors for you. Friendship should be an equitable relationship, yes, but you shouldn't carry a ledger book around in your back pocket.

When I can and when the fancy strikes me, I commonly pick up the check for dinner or other fun and exciting activities when I'm hanging out with my friends. Sometimes the tab is small and sometimes it's not so small. Often, if we're with people who don't know me terribly well, folks begin to reach for the pocketbooks or bill-folds to "pay me back". I can see the calculations rolling through their heads as they add up what their portion of the bill should be -- I generally hide the ticket away as quickly as possible to make this process more difficult. My general response to requests for a sub-total is to say, "We'll settle up later." In my mind, we've already settled up! I've had the pleasure of their company and they've had to put up with me -- a fair bargain for the cost of the meal or a few rounds of drinks, in my mind at least.

To not keep score can be a difficult habit to adopt. We tend to immediately think of what people owe us... But, if you're with true friends, you should know that it'll all come out even in the end.

It's important, if you're not keeping score, to remember to always give at every opportunity. Always offer to help. Always offer to pay (and sometimes force the issue). Always wash the dishes. Never remind someone that you paid last time. It's always your turn.

Don't loan money; give it away...
I don't loan my friends money. I don't do it. It's a bad practice and it almost always leads to conflict. If you're loaning friends money, you're setting up a business relationship and business relationships and friendship often clash. I give folks money, if I can afford it, and am pleased when they pay me back. I'm not disappointed if they don't -- 'cause I didn't expect it.

The important rule to remember is never to give a friend more money than you can afford to lose. If it hurts you to give it and you have to have it back at some point, don't loan it. Simple, huh? You'll save yourself lots of grief and strained conversations.

This was tough for me...
Several years ago a friend of mine -- a very good friend -- backed over my parked car. We laughed about it at the time. The damage was entirely superficial; a dented door and some scrapes were the only indication that something had happened. My friend offered to pay for the repairs and I said "sure"... The mistake on my part was preparing myself to actually be recompensed for the damage.

I had the car repaired -- I think the bill was about $400, but it may have been closer to $600. I kept the bill and called my friend, saying that the repairs were complete and I offered to supply a copy of the bill. That's okay, the friend said, no bother, I'll send you a check. I've never seen a penny.

Now, I know that my friend simply forgot. My friend wouldn't stiff me on purpose. I never mentioned it again, however. "WHAT???" you say? Nope, I never mentioned it. This would create a situation where money was, for only a second, at the center of our friendship. A debt would be the topic of conversation. As time passed I lay awake at night thinking about that money -- there were times when I could really have used it, times when my own wallet was a bit thin. This is when not keeping score became hard. I had made a mistake, as I mentioned above, in preparing myself for the money.

I am simply not going to permit money come between me and those I love. It's a cursed mistake and I'm not going to do it -- I recommend that you avoid it as well.

Some warnings...
Don't let yourself be taken advantage of by false friends. Know your true friends and keep them close. Be wary of folks who never pick up the tab -- the amount isn't important. If they're buying dinner at Chez McDonalds and you're buying dinner at Chez Phillipe, that's fine. If you're always buying dinner, you're in trouble... Your true friends won't abuse the relationship.

Don't overspend or overcommit yourself in your friendships -- it's easy to get caught up giving to people. Whether you're giving time, money, or even emotional capital, remember that you have to look after yourself. If your friends are true friends, they'll help look after you just as you look after them.

Please, please, please.. Remember this: This works for me. I am at peace in my life; I'm as happy as I've ever been, I suppose. This isn't a be-all-end-all blog post for friendship and there are caveats and contradictions to every rule. Your mileage may vary.

Tags:

• friendship
• friends
• debts
• money
• ThoughtsOnFriendship
• score

Are you better off single?

Are you better off single?:

While snuggling up next to a warm body can be pretty fantastic, according to a survey conducted by the National Sleep Foundation, your bedmate can cause you to lose an average of 49 minutes of sleep per night. Sleeping two-to-a-bed just isnÂ’t as restful as snoozing solo.

Yes, but I'm not sure I want to be single. If I'm single, with whom do I snuggle on the couch? Pets don't count... If I'm single, with whom do I walk in the rain?

Of course, sleep is very important to me. I need my beauty rest -- yes I do. If I wear my earplugs and my eyemask, I'll bet I wouldn't even notice a woman in my bed... (Hrm, I'd better not tell any women that -- they might take it the wrong way.)

According to this article, single folks make-whoopee an average of only 49 times per year while married people get-it-on an average of 98 times -- the catch is that single folks supposedly have better lovin'. Besides the obvious question as to whether "more is better", I think star gazing on your back would probably be more special with someone special. I mean, jiggery-pokery isn't why we get married, but it's nothing to sneeze at! If you're looking for more fun euphemisms, check out this link from Wiktionary.

The article also asserts that single people are generally happier (or rather, less depressed). Of course, this makes some sense if you believe the article's assertion that single people are better looking ('cause everyone knows we let ourselves go when we get married) .

Read the article -- it's fun!

Truths men don't tell women

11 "Don't-Tell-the-Wife" Secrets All Men Keep - MSN Lifestyle - Relationships:

With that much room left on our emotional-growth charts, we sense we've only begun to admire you in the ways we will when we're 40, 50 and -- God forbid -- 60. We can't explain this to you, because it would probably come out sounding like we don't love you now.

This is a neat little column -- and there are so many truths here. The particular truth, above, explaining that "Every year we love you more" I've seen proved time and time again. I see, weekly, 80 year old men who gaze at their wives in wonder. They're probably still wondering how they could be so lucky.

Tags:

• love
• men
• women
• marriage
• truth
• honesty

Marriage

My friends are all getting married...

Tori, Allison, Patrick -- all are married now. Patrick was the most recent. He was married on Saturday.

I'll be 28 in August. I'm waiting patiently for Miss Right. I'm not desperately searching. I'm convinced God will plop me down in front of her or her in front of me at the right time. My life is so terribly busy but I know that at the right time all this extra baggage I carry will come flying off like so many packages from the bed of a flat-bed truck as it rolls over a rail-road tie.

I've been terribly luck with my friends' marriages. Tori married a man who could be my brother. Allison married a man who could be my brother. I can tear up as I thank God for his Providence that brought these men to these women who are so important to me. Patrick's wife is charming and enchanting, though I've not had the opportunity to become as close to her as I might.

Tags:

• marriage
• friends
• single
• married
• friends

What is love?

"Love is friendship set on fire." - unknown

I dunno what to think, really. She's charming, very intelligent, a solid Christian, well read, a great conversationalist, and my mental twin on so many levels. In short, she's the perfect friend... but...

What's more, I'm jello when she smiles at me. My heart does strange palpitations when she begins speaking. I'm perfectly satisfied to simply sit quietly next to her and feel her warmth.

Am I in love? I don't know. Am I enchanted? Certainly. Do I know what to do or where this is going? You must be kidding -- I'm lost!

And now... I probably won't see her this weekend. What am I to do?

Tags:

• love
• Adrienne
• confused

So where is this going? Romance?

I've met someone. Not recently though -- I met her several months ago.

We met Adrienne when she visited Mrs. Wright's house in the spring of 2005. That seems like forever ago. At the time, I was enchanted, but I had reasons for not pursuing a relationship of any kind -- not the least of which was her moving to Memphis in the fall to begin her teaching career.

Adrienne is VERY intelligent, witty, well spoken, an excellent conversationalist, and very pretty. She's a committed conservative Christian.

A few weeks ago, Tori and Jeff asked if I'd come to dinner. We go to eat at a "swanky" restaurant probably once per quarter, on average. I'd meant to call Adrienne several times when in Memphis, but something always seemed to "come up" or prevent me from calling. This time, however, I did manage to call her and she accepted my invitation to dinner. We all dined at Cielo. Again, I was absolutely enchanted. She seemed to have a good time.

Saturday, after dinner at Cielo Friday night, we went out again -- that time, we simply hung around Wolfchase and had lunch at Grisanti's Bol-A-Pasta.

Kissing Dating Goodbye?

Responses to Harris’s book

• Kissing Nonsense Goodbye – Seems to be somewhat critical
• Dateless in Christianville – Again from ChristianityToday.com
• State of the Date – Again from ChristianityToday.com

I searched google for "response" “Kissed Dating Goodbye” and many of the non-blog links are from ChristianityToday.com

My friend, Adrienne, recommended this book and I read it in one sitting—Harris wrote it when he was only 21 and it’s nice bit of prose, but still a quick read. I’m not certain what to think of the book yet—I may read it again. Above, I’m trying to collect some critical comments on the book as most people seem to praise it—but I’m not sure if they’re trying to implement the “conviction” in their lives.

One of the things that concerns me about trying to apply the principles of this book to my life is the confusion that will undoubtedly arise in relationships. The book seems to advocate never spending time alone with an interesting single woman (or man). I spend LOTS of time with single women—and I don’t spend much time with boring people. How should I handle this? If we’re alone, are we dating?

The book seems to be written for someone say, aged 16-23 or so. As a 27 year old who did give up on dating, basically, for the last 5 years, how should I approach this? At the time, I knew that I lacked the maturity to pursue a relationship toward marriage—and emotional attachments without any hope or plan of a future were pointless. I have embraced my “singleness” and accomplished quite a bit. I still don’t see any point in pursuing a romantic relationships simply for the purpose of companionship. I can’t imagine, at this point in my life, investing myself emotionally in someone who I couldn’t marry.

Tori on Trevor's new love interest

Mary and Moira's Message Board: “He brought her over to the house yesterday to meet us and she's pretty, nice, she has all her teeth!”

Tori seems to be most pleased that Casey has all her teeth. Go figure.

Tags:

• personal
• friends
• love
• Trevor
• Tori