Funny moments for Doctors

 

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Submitted by! Dr. Susan Steinberg

Funny moments for Doctors | Bubblejive.com

I was amused.. Click the link for some more funny stories.

I remember hearing a story about an intern who one time visited an establishment specializing in "adult entertainment". This intern, we'll call him Dr. John, was with a group celebrating the upcoming nuptials of a friend. At these establishments, as I understand it, the entertainers or dancers (if you prefer) often walk around to solicit business ("private dances"). One such entertainer approached Dr. John and rubbed her fingers across his shoulders, bent low, and ran her fingers up his thighs in a rather intimate manner. John was thunderstruck. He said, "Good goobledy gosh, what are you doing?" The entertainer replied, "Don't worry, honey, I'm a professional." John, thinking quickly, placed his hand on a spot that isn't generally permitted or encouraged in such establishments... the entertainer's eyes widened and she gasped, "What do you think you're doing????" John replied, "Don't worry, honey, I'm a doctor."

That's how the story was told to me, at least. :)

What's the point?

I bought a loaf of bread at Wal-Mart last night.

I bought wheat bread -- I can't think of a sandwich that's not better on wheat bread (and I had a long conversation with Judy about just that topic today -- she seems to think fried eggs are better on white bread). I especially love Peanut Butter on wheat bread, flavorful wheat bread. Mmmm. Good.

So, I'm shopping for bread at Wal-Mart. There are, literally, dozens of brands and varieties available. It's much easier to buy bread at Foodrite. A larger selection is not always better for this small-town boy.

I have made my selection and I notice that right next to my chosen loaf is another loaf of the same type -- but it's only a HALF loaf. "Wow," I thought, "great, I probably won't eat this full loaf before it goes stale. I'll buy a half loaf." Yeah, good thought, but I checked the price (something I'm not known to do). I would expect the half-loaf to be half the price of the full loaf.... wrong. It was about 75% the cost of the full thing. So, my math friends, what's my return on investment?

I dunno. I don't care.

I might eat more than half this loaf. I might eat as much as 75%! I'm just gonna take my chances with the whole loaf.

 

Technorati Tags: bread,loaf,half-loaf,Wal-Mart

Uncle Harry tells the "pig story"

We had a chance to work on a new video the other night. Mr. Harry wanted to share "the pig story" with some of his nieces and nephews... So.. Here's "Story Time with Uncle Harry"



Give Allison credit for the idea, Justin for the soundtrack, and ME for the pig noises.. Mr. Harry did a great job!

Technorati Tags:Video, Story, Pigs

Gabba Gabba GOOOOO!

The Pentecostal Church and The Holy Ghost Want You To Wear Pig Panties � Violent Acres:

"Not only were we surrounded by friends, but at any second, there was a distinct possibility that someone would become possessed by the good ol’ Holy Ghost and feel compelled to shout at the ceiling, “GABBA GABBA GOOOOO!”"

I'm fascinated by "spirit filled churches". I do believe that the Spirit manifests itself in different ways in different people and different communities of faith -- it's a fact that we don't speak in tongues or fall under the spirit very often in our small-town Methodist Church. I'm told that it happens in other local churches.

The above account (and I recommend reading the entire post) is hilarious and also informative. I've not read such a frank account of life in a Pentecostal church before.

Enjoy!

Technorati Tags:Pentecostal Church, Religion, Spirituality, Interesting

Nose hair and the men who have it...

I spent the day with a young guy who’s studying to be an engineer. That’s not really relevant except that it might explain why he doesn’t care about his nose hair. It’s possible that he just doesn’t notice; engineers are a rare breed.

This guy’s nasal hair is AMAZING! It’s like a little spider or something sitting on each side of his nostril. I can’t imagine breathing with something like that growing out of my breathing holes. Surely he can feel it; surely it interferes with his eating! I won’t say it’s disgusting, but it’s certainly distracting. I can’t look at him without staring at his nose. Dark black wiry hair.

Of course, he also has a scraggly, unkempt beard. I don’t know what’s going on — even when I had a beard, it was either really scruffy (but full) or neatly trimmed. His beard doesn’t look good scruffy ‘cause it’s not thick enough. Again, dark black wiry hair.

I’ve only recently had to become concerned about nose hair. Patrick, my former roommate, grew a forest if he didn’t keep it trimmed. Tori and Allison even gave him a trimmer especially for his nose a few Christmases ago. I had no such worries; I still don’t worry much. I only get the occasional straggler that is quickly plucked out.

If you see a little friend, a blondish tendril, peaking out of my nose, please let me know. I don’t want to be the object of conversation.

Technorati Tags:nose hair, grooming, appearance

How other people deal with door-to-door idiots...

I read the best of Craigslist occasionally. Funny stuff, sometimes. I came across particularly funny post tonight that I identify with:

best of craigslist : Door to door religious idiots:

"Still out of breath from the fight, sweating, covered in scratches and blood and hair, and carrying a nail trimming tool in one hand, I fling open the door. The picture-perfect charismatic family has decided to let the little girl be the front man. She looks to be about eight years old. She's standing on the front porch, while Mom, Dad, and Little Brother - about five - are standing a few feet back on the walkway. I grit my teeth in my best Dirty Harry impression, look directly at the little girl, and say, 'Yes?' "

I wrote about my own manner of dealing with random people ringing my bell a few months ago. Perhaps I should get some fake blood.

Justin describes the tornado

Justin describes the tornado -- using sound effects, role-play, flashbacks, and interpretative dance.



We have far too much time on our hands.

Technorati Tags:funny, tornado, role-play

Religious WHAT?

desire
Originally uploaded by lapeet1.

I had a conversation with a customer today that left me speechless for a few moments. You're probably surprised. You'll understand in a moment.

We were talking, catching up as it were, doing the thing where I act interested in his family and so forth. I asked him about his daughter (she's HAWT, by the way) who's currently enrolled at a super-selective private university.

"Yeah, she's doing great. She started out studying public policy, but now she's really into religious sex."

Huh? I didn't say anything for several moments. Usually there is a lively banter between the customer and me. The silence stretched on... and on.

I gathered my wits, "So, John, how 'bout that expansion module you guys had talked about? Still hiring some more folks this fall? You'll need the capacity."

Yeah. He shocked me. Until I realized that he had said "SECTS" not "SEX".

I called him back after about an hour to clarify. We had a good laugh and then he explained. She's studying modern religious ideologies, I think, or something. Much less interesting than... well, you know.

Technorati Tags:religious sex, religious sects, sects, homonyms

"Adult" book stores

nashvilleX3
Originally uploaded by ihaveabuginmyeye.

I confess, I've been in an adult book store. I was disappointed. They not one copy of War and Peace, The Rise and Fall of the Roman Empire, Pride and Prejudice, Silas Marner, or even Gone with the Wind. They did have some interesting titles though.

Seriously. "Adult Book Store" is a bad name for what these places are, I think. "Adult Books" conjures in my mind an image of a slightly cluttered, dusty bookshop full of heavy tomes with weighty titles. I don't know what a better euphemism would be, though. It still should be something innocuous sounding -- maybe something like "Porn Store" or "Filthy Book Palace". Would those be clear enough?

Tori and Jeff and I were at the lake one weekend and had passed the book place a few times on our way back and forth. Tori suggested that we might stop -- that it might be interesting. Now, I hate to pass judgement on an entire industry based on one experience, but this place was CREEPY. Perhaps "stores" in Memphis would be more up-scale and less trashy, but this place, outside of Paris, was plain skank. The decor wasn't all that horrible -- it had a crummy-video-store kind of feel which doesn't bother me since I'm from a small town with no chain video stores (all our video stores are crummy), but the clientèle just FREAKED me... Granted, we didn't look like the a million bucks (we'd been on the lake part of the day and had showered, but not "fixed ourselves up" to go out), but some of the folks hanging out in this establishment looked as if they'd climbed from under a rock somewhere.

Anyway, we wandered in, were warmly greeted by the proprietress, and proceeded to look around. I was particularly fascinated by the "Toy" section. Tori kept telling me not to touch anything -- but I couldn't help myself. There, sitting on a shelf available to the whole world (or at least the part of the world willing to stop at such a distinctive establishment), was the molded silicon replica of some woman's (a famous "star" of the adult film industry, no doubt) nether regions. I picked a safe place to poke my finger -- a thigh, I think -- and was amazed at the texture. Didn't feel like any woman I'd ever poked. I guess, if you're buying silicon woman parts, authenticity isn't that big of a thing -- after all, if you NEED silicon woman parts, you likely don't have a real woman with which to compare it.

We didn't buy anything. If they'd had a T-Shirt, I might have bought one... I was gonna ask about souvenir t-shirts of key-chains, but Tori wouldn't let me.

We smiled politely, thanked the lady for letting us look around, and leaped into the car leaving a cloud of dust and thrown gravel hoping that no one from home (especially the preacher) recognized our car.

Technorati Tags:Adult Book Store, Porn, Stories, Travel, Interesting

Some funny stories from the courthouse

I'm a director of the local Chamber of Commerce -- I enjoy the opportunity to better my community and promote commerce and good business practices. Our Chamber offices recently moved to a new location and I attended the grand opening this afternoon. Being "election season" there were, of course, dignitaries of all stripe in attendance. I had the opportunity to talk to lots of interesting people and shake lots of sweaty hands (it was near 100 degrees outside today and the A/C isn't really up to par in the new building).

I talked for quite a long time with a person who's been employed in some capacity in the governing of our county for the better part of 40 years. A wealth of information, very helpful any time you want to get anything done. She shared a few stories, anecdotes really, from her time in various county government offices.

What kind of check?

There was a local counseling center that operated in the basement of the County Health Department. People could come in and talk to psychologists or psychiatrists about their problems -- for free or very little money. The story is told that a lady arrived and requested an appointment with a psychiatric professional. She met with the doctor and complained that she just couldn't satisfy her husband. After some conversation, the doctor recommended a "vaginal check" before their next meeting. She agreed and left. Several weeks later, the lady returned and complained that she still was having trouble. The doctor queried her, "Did you get the vaginal check?"

"No!" she replied, "and I've been checking the mailbox every day!"

I want a refund ...

An elderly couple made their way to the courthouse for a marriage license and a short ceremony by the judge. The lady working in the County Clerk's office noticed, while issuing the license, that the gentleman was somewhat hard-of-hearing as, when she asked him, "Would you please sign?" he replied that it was 3 o'clock. The couple was duly married and left, presumably, to begin their life of wedded bliss together.

A few weeks later the elderly gentleman returned to the County Clerk's office and told the deputy clerk that he'd like a refund! "A refund?" asked the clerk. "Yes," said the old man, "she don't give me none!"

She was taken aback -- no one had ever asked for a refund for a marriage license after he had been married in the courthouse! She scurried off to the County Clerk who laughed and walked from her office to speak with the old man. "Sir," said the clerk in her most serious tone, "you can't have a refund because the marriage wasn't consummated." He stared at her for several long moments with furrowed brow as he processed her response. Finally, he drew a deep breath, slammed his palm on the counter and said, "Dammit woman, I ain't constipated and I don't know what that has to do with anything anyhow. I want a refund!"

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• elderly